Donatello: Portrait of a Genius
Ok so let’s face it, who hasn’t got into an argument with their friends about who the best Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle is? Now I’m going to put all the cards on the table here and finally end this debate. Here is the correct order of ranking amongst the turtles in order of their overall greatness.
1.) Donatello
2.) Raphael
3.) Leonardo
4.) Michelangelo
People
always say to me, “Leonardo is the best, he was the
leader.” Right, he was the leader. But how many episodes
have you ever seen where Leonardo uses his superior reasoning
abilities to lead the turtles to victory? Not many.
Leonardo’s commands were always very simple, “Don, try
to access the computers” or “Raph, beat up those
foot-soldiers.” Thank you Leonardo for making these
important decisions. No shit Donatello was going to access the
computers and do you really need to tell Raph to fight the five
foot-soldiers ganging up on him? Good job. Where would the team
be without you? In the absence of Leonardo the team always looked
to Donatello for guidance, which they should have done from the
beginning. Leonardo had two katana swords. Funny, I have never
seen him stab, kill, or even hack a limb off. Way to use those
swords buddy. Plus, Leonardo had his thumb too far up splinters
ass to really get anything done. The team would operate the exact
same if Leonardo had never even existed. However, what saves
Leonardo from the dead last position is the fact that he was a
decent fighter and he was focused. Unfortunately, these
characteristics were not strong enough to land him anything
higher than third place.
Then
there are all of you rebels out there who love Raphael. “Oh
my God, Raph is such a badass, he doesn’t take anyone’s
shit and he’s a loner.” I will be the first to admit
that Raphael is the second best turtle, but Donatello still takes
the cake. Raphael’s rebel tendencies sometimes jeopardized
the team. I realize Leonardo is a dick Raph but stop being
selfish, you need to stick together through this one or else
Shredder might win. Raphael is funnier than Michelangelo and a
better fighter than Leonardo, even though he uses sais (an
incredibly gay weapon). Comparing Raphael’s whit to
Michelangelo’s elementary humor is like comparing the
manliness of MacGyver to Alan Cumming (did you know he had sex
with Ian Mckellen?....sick). There is no contest. Well done Raph
for making the better half of the team.
You
can always tell a Michelangelo fan just by looking at him.
Michelangelo fans can usually be seen taking remedial classes,
wearing Velcro sneakers, and putting forks in microwaves to,
“see the pretty sparks.” People love Michelangelo
because he’s the crazy, fun, party guy on the team. Who
gives a shit? This is a team of superhero turtles. There is no
place for Michelangelo’s juvenile antics in the sewer. I
don’t need it and the team certainly doesn’t need it
either. I vividly remember Michelangelo always saying some stupid
pun or phrase at the end of certain episodes, which was then
always followed by the other three saying “Michelangelo”
in unison, with a very condescending and mocking tone, and
finished with a cut to Michelangelo making a goofy face like he
just soiled himself. “Michelangelo…..were you
talking again? What did we say about that?” The only
positive aspect of Michelangelo is that he had nunchucks, which
are pretty awesome, but they still are not enough to save him
from last place. If anyone ever argues that Michelangelo was
their favorite just walk away and save yourself 10 min. of life
that would have gone to waste. And then there was always that kid
on the playground who liked Michelangelo simply because his name
was Michael too. That could be one of the lamest reasons to like
a character. Yea it doesn’t matter that Michelangelo is shit
for brains if he has the same name as you. Real mature asshole.
And
finally, we can talk about someone worth talking about, the
foundation of the team, Donatello. Yes, Donatello was the purple
one. But I think that says a lot about him. Donatello is
comfortable enough with his sexuality to wear a color like
purple. At the same time, it brings up some questions about some
of the other guys. Why is Leonardo trying so hard to wear one of
the more “manly” colors? Is he in denial? I mean anyone
who has watched the show even once can notice that Leonardo may
not have liked the ladies, but let’s get back to Don.
Don’s weapon was a simple but effective bow staff. Whenever
there was a fight you could always rely on Donatello to beat the
shit out of someone with his whoopass stick. Donatello also wins
this contest on the sheer fact that he is irreplaceable. With his
vast intelligence he built the turtlevan, boat, and blimp. Not
only that, he was constantly coming up with insane new gadgets
and devices that helped move the story along. There were episodes
based solely on one of the many inventions Don created. So there
you have it, there would be less episodes if Don was gone. But
Don’s genius does not end there. Donatello has the most
character development out of all the turtles, has had sex with
April, and he is the most respected turtle out of the group. Raph
and Leo didn’t get along and let’s be serious here,
nobody respected Michelangelo. Donatello had a good relationship
with every member of the turtles. His advice was always adhered
to and held in the highest regard. Even Splinter sought after his
wisdom. He is an emblem of team unity and is the perfect model
for any person striving to be a superhero.
So the next time you hear some jerkoff blurting out who he thinks is the best ninja turtle just remember one thing, he is an ignorant bastard. You are only going to make a fool of yourself if you say anything but, “Don is my daddy.”